I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
You Might Also Like
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Favourite diary entry ever
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
if a cop pulls u over play dead