I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.


GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.


Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night


You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.


[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?


[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple


If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.


Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.