Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Cashier: Eat this apple
If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.