what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”
And I’m just like…….
I like when babies cry and you make the same noise as them, and they look at you like, “Wow. That’s annoying.” and you’re like, “I know.”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol