Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man