@threetimedaddy

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

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@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@teacup_giraffe

I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.

@MageOfSolitude

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@JamieFord

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

@50FirstTates

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

@jabbins

Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man