I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

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I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in


How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower


She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue


Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.


I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently


Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*


? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?


To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”