@LadyofCinema

I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.

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@Lin_Baker

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

@KimmyMonte

How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower

@mommy_cusses

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

@JohnLyonTweets

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

@blaha_Who

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

@ArfMeasures

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@TheBoydP

*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*

@robfee

? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?

@MoreTwitty

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”