When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Are we there yet?…
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.