I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I hate girls who insert the phrase “my boyfriend” into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
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How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*
*gets pushed off for laughing*
? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”