Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn