If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
This checks out
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.