“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*exercises sarcastically*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?