@iAmDelFreaky

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

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@brendohare

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

@Shock_Monster

It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”

@Ygrene

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@DannyZuker

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

@TheHyyyype

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok