I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.