I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me