I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.