I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
When he asks for feet pics
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Hot Panini is in big trouble
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Yup!