@markydoodoo

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

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@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: In the future, can you please put the seat down?

Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?

@primawesome

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@TheWidowmakerX

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

@HenpeckedHal

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@Beakmoo

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.