@robfee

I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.

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@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@C_A_Guardiola

Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@tracyofthenorth

People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.

@ChaseMit

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

@KarlousM

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.