IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.
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Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life
I’m more hampster than gangster according to autocorrect
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.