I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”