I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Morning.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.