I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf