My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn’t the postcard I was expecting.
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Me: do you like bad boys?
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.
German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.