Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
This made me smile…
it’s either covid or clever vampires
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one