I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.