It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”