@ddsmidt

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

- @ddsmidt

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@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@Bownuggets

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@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
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@House_Feminist

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

@RunOldMan

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

@WTF_MYOB

I have a gut feeling about you.

It’s called nausea.