I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
How to woo a woman
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Breaking news:
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score