An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.
During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”