@sliver_of

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

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@c12h22o11balls

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@SincerelyMen

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

@Lance_Said_This

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@clarkekant

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.

@markhoppus

During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.

@PaperWash

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”