@mattZillaaaa

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

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@gavinpivott

My step-dad’s pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?

@_PatDonovan

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

@thebeckyard

My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

@jackmackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

@ellle_em

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

@adult_keverage

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

@lawyerthoughts

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?