My step-dad’s pretty cool. Not as cool as my fence-dad, though. Roof-dad is okay. What is a father?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.
I couldn’t be more proud.
Marriage is the worst fight or flight simulation ever
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?