I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
You Might Also Like
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.