I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email