A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”