I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
5 ways to appear taller
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.