@_RealBlondeGirl

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

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@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@Benjamin4501

Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa

@AndyAsAdjective

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

@buttsword

my favorite tweets are ones that don’t end the way you expecto patronum.

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@JohnLyonTweets

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

@NotMarkAllen

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”