
Tweets got stolen.
* Everybody looks at the new black dude following *
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Tweets got stolen.
* Everybody looks at the new black dude following *
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”
Papa would say, “I’M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”
Best advice ever.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*