I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

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When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”



Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?


The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.


Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?


Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.


one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday


My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.


Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel



Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls


[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it