@wittwitbarista

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

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@kelkulus

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@Parentpains

Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.

@Julian_Deane

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

@electrolemon

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

@thepunningman

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

@jergarl

When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”

Papa would say, “I’M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”

Best advice ever.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*