Tweets got stolen.
* Everybody looks at the new black dude following *
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa… “Whatcha doin?”
Papa would say, “I’M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS.”
Best advice ever.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*