I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
This meeting could have been a cake
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them