I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Its true…
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: