Cashier: “Going camping?”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
– Reviews for “TicTacToe, The Movie”
My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza