i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.