i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
B
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.