I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I thought this was funny lol