I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
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I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
This hospital has everything
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Every photo I’m tagged in
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving