i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor