“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
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“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe