Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
😬
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
That was easy.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?