@XOperfectmessXO

I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away

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@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@KatWar1

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

@juneohara65

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

@rachelle_mandik

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

@hippieswordfish

extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

@mommajessiec

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

@LittleMissAngr1

I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@psybermonkey

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

@PhuckinCody

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe