I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
British websites use biscuits.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever