@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

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@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@Gilapfeffer

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

@smint

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

@IamJackBoot

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

@samuelhlowe

– Do you want to have sex?
– Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?
– Do……you……want……to……have……sex?

@sock_holliday

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

@knot_eye

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

@oliviathepig808

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “