@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

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@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

@HenpeckedHal

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@animesvns

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

@vladchoc

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

@Eagle_Vision

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.

@M_Hedberg

People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.

@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@ShesARealGenius

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.