I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

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Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.


When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.


Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?


Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.


– Do you want to have sex?
– Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?
– Do……you……want……to……have……sex?


Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*


Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.


I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “