I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.