I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people


Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one


For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”


You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she is probably upset at you.


People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.


Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.


*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.