I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
You Might Also Like
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question