[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Lmfaoooooo
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese