I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Ummm
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.