@Rollinintheseat

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

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@offbeatoliv

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@djdarrellripley

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

@KalvinMacleod

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

@RbenzHF

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

@AbidaleW

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

@impaulmccoy

It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.