I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year