I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!


If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.


I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.


Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…


I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.


My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.


Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles


It’s now socially acceptable to play Cards Against Humanity with your 8 year old.