@retniw_nuf

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

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@sonictyrant

Batman: fighting crime is easy

Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t

Batman: not now Robin

@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@scarebro

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

@underfleeker

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

@BunAndLeggings

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

@ClareBarry

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

@KenJennings

Shout out to whoever invented Braille! Maybe nobody remembers your name but you came up with a pretty dope way for blind people to read