I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
this is the greatest thing ever
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour