I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.


Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training


Me: I made you a playlist…


Me: It only has songs about food.


My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.



DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said


Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.