I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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Are you a cat person or a person person?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry