Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Why font matters.
Sharing is caring, unless you’re coming for my phone charger.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Because every present needs to be wrapped.