I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
congratulations to them
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Nomnomnomnom
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.