I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats