My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You Might Also Like
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Not recommended for beginners.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes