I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

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When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.


If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.


just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”


Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday


[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes


When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.


On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep