@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

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@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

@Parentpains

If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.

@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@danjan13

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

@internetluke

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@Spaziotwat

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep