I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Does this dress make me look cat?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?