I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.


Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.


Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.


Husband: Where’d my stick go?


Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.


God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?


Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’


It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting


I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.


I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping


Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”