@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

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@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

@MelvinofYork

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@yashar

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

@mastrap84

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’

@Token_Geezer

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

@CrockettForReal

I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping

@TheFaceOfDave

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”