I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Seas the day!!!!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
the three branches of government
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Dear Lord..
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Fidel Castro was alive?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*