@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

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@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.

@HellisWorthit

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

@SteveSuckington

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

@urgeekisshowing

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@Silver_nmm

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

@DiscoFruit

i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees