I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

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Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.


I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.


1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us


Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking


Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.


Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.


i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees