I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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I needed a laugh this morning.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves