I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.