I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
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Oh my god
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Salad is the decaf of food.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.