@wittwitbarista

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

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@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@thelateinnings

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@TheTalkingPipe

I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@HenpeckedHal

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

@lecalabara

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that