The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Me: and spells.
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[drops phone in toilet]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*